fire & rain / take care

fire & rain / take care

Being wheeled into the operating room on August 24, 2015 was my final surgery of my #sexybreastcancer treatment regime.

Bye bye ovaries and good luck on your journey to the pathology lab to be dissected and analyzed for those bastard cancer cells for results that would be revealed to me in a few weeks (which were clear, no cancer cells taking up residency in my body! Thank you jesus)

These were my thoughts as I was for the FOURTH time in a 21 month time warp being transferred from a hospital stretcher onto a narrow cold metal slab, the operating table. With just my blue hospital gown, little feet covers and a stylish bad ass blue cap on my head.

Knowing there is a chance of dying while under general anesthesia doesn’t drift far my thoughts. And is something I’ll never be fully comfortable with. Who would be!?

This time as I lay there looking up at the unilluminated bulbs, my thoughts were of just trying to relax and breathe deep soothing breaths.

This time I was less focused on the 10+ staff mulling around, having water cooler chats as they get ready to slice me open, once again, but more on how far I’ve come. What the hell happened to me?

I didn’t even think about waking up in menopause. I didn’t Dr. Google this at all. I mean, why bother? Our bodies all react differently, you know what I mean… what will be will be.

Something different happened this time though. The head surgeon put on the music before I was unconscious…fuck…shit…stop the CD!

You ask why I was internally swearing, well, the anesthesiologist was having a really hard time getting a good vain. It seemed to take a long time. Poke, poke, poke.

“I’m so sorry miss, your veins are hard to get at today”

I felt a wave of panic rush over my body. Was I going to have to come back?

NO WAY! Get that prick in my vein…I’m not doing this again. HURRY UP!

What freaked me out the most was the song playing in the background…Fire and Rain by James Taylor.

Can someone switch it to Drake and Rihanna’s ‘Take Care’ now pleeeaaaasssseeeeeee???

Drake and Rihanna I'll take care of you

Of course I didn’t say that but if you’ve heard Fire and Rain it’s about James Taylor’s friend who died. The first verse is heartbreaking and not conducive to a patient like me.

So Surgeons 101 – I beg of you, wait until the patient is in a deep, deep not knowing state and not a state of consciousness awaiting potential death. Even though the chances are low…they still exist.

Some Fire and Rain lyrics – chilling for operating rooms…

Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you.
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song,
I just can’t remember who to send it to.

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain.
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
but I always thought that I’d see you again.

Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus,
You’ve got to help me make a stand.
You’ve just got to see me through another day.
My body’s aching and my time is at hand and I won’t make it any other way.

Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain.
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
but I always thought that I’d see you again.

Been walking my mind to an easy time,
my back turned towards the sun.
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it’ll turn your head around.
Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come.
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground.  

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