So it’s now mid December and I’m in full – can I pull this off mode? The next couple of weeks are really stressful for most. Unless you finished all your shopping and wrapping in September then you’re in the same boat as everyone else. At least we can find comfort in knowing we’re not the only procrastinators on the block as we run around at malls because we missed the December 24th delivery deadlines to order online!
Man… I don’t know, I’m just happy that it’s snowed so we won’t have a green Christmas.
Anyway, in case your curious about my last post where I went to the emergency department to check on the warm red lump in my right breast, …well the results were good(ish).
I say good(ish) only because the lump is benign and ish because I have to go for a follow-up ultrasound in February. URG… bleep bleep appointment anxiety!!
The lump is described in the radiology report as a 5 x ? centimeter collapsed cyst or blood ball, not an aneurism type thing… they’re are not sure what it is but it’s definitely not MALIGNANT! Hallelujah.
So I went to my family doctor to discuss the results and for her to feel me up, although, as you know if you’ve read my blog I don’t have feeling in my breasts. So it was her feeling around for the lump. It was quick, like, a little feel here and there.
I’m like “I can grab it with my fingers, it’s definitely a ball/pea size lump”… and she’s like “ya, okay, I feel it”. I explained to her that the reason I decided to go to emerg is because I thought I might have ruptured my implant and/or have some sort of an infection …can’t be to safe you know… what if it was something??!!
Why oh why do I feel like I’m in the Principals office when I visit the doctor?
The need to justify my actions are so ridiculous especially with my history but I can’t help feeling like a child who did something wrong… does that make sense? I mean, by-passing the regular route when feeling like I might have sepsis or cancer recurrence shouldn’t be frowned upon. I was only trying to eliminate a potential disaster, Jesus CHRIST!
She’s cool. It’s me. I’m the one over analyzing, over thinking, contemplating, deliberating, engrossed in my own doubts and insecurities about being in any doctors office.
I think it’s natural to feel any feelings when you’re in a vulnerable position no matter who you are. Equilibrium should be felt across all areas of life, especially when you walk into a situation where you feel less than by circumstances i.e. a cancer diagnosis, or just regular examinations like pap smears. Trust me… vulnerability is normal… just think about it… your doctor is a human and is just as vulnerable as you are.
In other words, we’re all in same boat, cancer, last minute Christmas shopping…..etc.
Please watch Chris Cornell’s 12 year old daughter signing Hallelujah .. so breathtaking xoxo